By Eric Valentine
ATTN: This just in. We have found the source of all the world’s problems, or at least the reason your teenage daughter has an eating disorder and your 20-something felon son is on suicide watch. It’s not the Russians’ fault or even the Chinese. And Satan had no hand in this peril, either. Instead, all eyes are on the real public enemy number one, a Jewish, coastal-elite, college-dropout recluse named Mark Zuckerberg.
Last month, The Wall Street Journal—thanks to an anonymous whistleblower who actually did the majority of the work—published a series of articles that revealed Facebook knew about the harm its products were causing its users, such as teenage girls who said that Instagram made them feel worse about themselves, teenage boys who said that social media made them feel suicidal, and all voting-age adults who said they now can’t stand their creepy uncle and overtly racist aunt.
The data from Facebook’s scientifically devised, peer-reviewed study… woops, sorry, wrong study… The data from Facebook’s own surveys reveal that the social media giant’s apps, like Instagram, have a profound negative effect on mental health, especially that of teenage girls. So profound, a U.S. Senate subcommittee held a televised, political ad campaign in which lawmakers… woops, sorry, wrong TV appearance… So profound, a U.S. Senate subcommittee held a hearing last week in which lawmakers described the disclosures as a “bombshell.” Although, at least one aide to a senator—who spoke on condition of anonymity—said that description was referring to Payton, that hot new student intern from Des Moines.
Other things that impact teenage mental health, in no particular order, include, but are not limited to:
Other teenagers
Hormones
Bad parents
Good parents
Siblings
Drugs (both the abused and prescribed versions)
Mondays
Tests
Looking at them crooked
All forms of physical and/or sexual abuse
Their favorite football team losing … again
The realization that they just aren’t a very good person
The realization that they are literally the best person they will ever meet because humans are a rather broken species and even if climate change is total b.s. our species is doomed because the Sun is going to explode in 4 billion to 10 billion years … and they won’t even be around to post about it on Instagram
In all honesty now, when I read the actual statistics from the Facebook surveys, I thought the percentage of people whose views of themself were negatively impacted by social media would be higher. Please don’t misconstrue that as me giving a pass to social-media providers. The problem is a real one, and the problem should not be used by those providers to stimulate profits. But as real as the problem is, it’s also even older. And the ineffective “solutions” we’ve seen before from Congress are so troubling they’ll make one feel bad about their country.
From banning “Catcher in the Rye” to putting labels on Heavy Metal albums, we’ve seen this play out before. We find an enemy, punish them, and then realize we are our own enemy; and that a J.D. Salinger novel didn’t make someone a little too socialist and Ozzy Osbourne wasn’t responsible for anyone’s suicidal thoughts … because everyone knows now that was entirely Marilyn Manson’s fault.
Incidentally, on Monday this week, Facebook and Instagram both went down for roughly six hours. The data is only anecdotal at this point, but according to the rumor mill … Becky in accounting … the entire planet drank a Coke, taught itself to sing, and lived in perfect harmony. But I’m still not going to be complicit in my uncle’s creepiness and my aunt’s racism by re-friending them once the system comes back online. And I’ve learned my lesson on using social media to invite Becky to any party this Halloween.
Before leaking thousands of company documents, the latest and most litigious whistleblower, Frances Haugen, said that although the public already understands there are negative impacts from social media, the public doesn’t understand just how bad it is and how little Facebook actually cares. Haugen said: “If people just hate Facebook more because of what I’ve done, then I’ve failed. I believe in truth and reconciliation—we need to admit reality. The first step of that is documentation.”
I disagree. Documentation is just a red-tape delusion in the algorithm’s aftermath, a verification of what we already knew. The first step is not to admit reality but, rather, take part in it by “swiping left” on social media and hitting right-click, then delete.