My Parents

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BY SHAWNA WASKO, M.OLP

Shawna Wasko, M.OLP
Caregiver Support Group Facilitator
CSI Office on Aging
swasko@csi.edu

Since last month, when I wrote to all of you, some things have changed. It was a very difficult month, as things got worse and worse for my parents and my caregiving journey. Mom’s Alzheimer’s disease got worse and so did my dad’s COPD. They needed care every day. It became overwhelming for everyone.

I went over to their house last Sunday. I had received a frantic call from Dad that Mom was being very combative and was very scared. She suddenly became obsessed with the knowledge that Dad could not care for her, and as he tried harder and harder to do so, he was exhausted, and the stress was taking him closer to death. Quite a realization for Mom, given Alzheimer’s disease and all that goes with it.

Mom told me, “Shawna, I have to go to a facility. I am killing Dad, and you, too.” I spoke with Dad and he agreed. Finally. No joy do I feel, but I do feel relief and sadness—sad that they both have given up the fight, relief that they will get the 24 hours of care they need. Dad wants Mom to go first while he “tidies up the business he has to do.” I said OK and I will visit the facility tomorrow that she will go to live out her life.

Our Ombudsman Program here at the Office on Aging has been invaluable to me. Ombudsmen advocate for the rights of people in long-term care. They provided me with a list of all facilities in our eight counties that do assisted living. This list told me if the facility will take Medicaid, pets, or do secured memory care. If you have loved ones, like me, who are needing more care than you can provide, please call our Ombudsman Program: 1-208-736-2122.

The end of the journey I feel is unfolding now. I hope to be there to help my parents as they face the ends of their lives, however long it takes. I am a big believer in hospice and plan to bring them in when it is time. Dylan Thomas wrote, “Rage, rage against the dying of the light… do not go gentle into that good night.” My parents have fought a good fight, especially Dad. His doctor told me for years and years that this year would be his last. The first time he told me that was eight years ago.

The Kübler-Ross model of grief describes five primary responses to loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. We are all entering into acceptance now—acceptance that we have come to terms emotionally with the situation. There is nothing we can do to change it.

Grief is a normal internal feeling that we experience in reaction to a loss, while mourning is what we do on the outside: cry, ask why, why me, journaling, praying, etc. Mourning is often called “grief gone public.” Mourning is what gets us through the loss. Please be patient with me as I mourn, and with all others who go through this process.   

Shawna Wasko, M.OLP

CSI Office on Aging

208.736.2122

swasko@csi.edu