BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH
In a most unbelievable twist of fate, amidst a startling upset in the presidential election, the 46th president of the United States, upon reaching 270 electoral votes early this morning, is Kanye West!
Pollsters scratched their heads in wonderment as, apparently, no one saw this coming. Biden and Trump followers are screaming their heads off and demanding a total recount, but at this time, Mr. West is celebrating wildly with his supporters, also known as his “posse.”
Future ‘First Lady’ Kim Kardashian said, “Wait until you see what I’m wearing to the Inauguration!”
When reached for comment, Mr. West said, “I am absolutely floored by this occurrence. I just didn’t see this coming. However, I am prepared to take over the reins of this divided nation and am determined to put it together by uniting all sides and living in harmony. Hey, I wrote a song about it! Wanna hear it?” (The press corps quickly moves away.)
As the champagne flowed in West’s campaign headquarters in the penthouse suite at the Plaza Hotel in New York City, the mother of the future First Lady exclaimed, “This is bigger than OJ’s trial outcome in 1995!”
Mr. West, overcome with joy, whipped out a piece of paper from his pink jumpsuit with a bunch of names scribbled on it and said, “In no particular order, these are my selections for my cabinet:”
U.S. Attorney General – Ice T
Secretary of State – Ice Cube
Secretary of Labor – Marshawn “Skittles” Lynch
Secretary of the Interior – Taylor Swift (I owed it to her for that Grammy fiasco)
Secretary of Homeland Security – Mike Tyson
Secretary of Defense – LeBron James
Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare – Dr. Fauci
Secretary of Energy – Paula Abdul
“I have complete faith in my choices and look forward to cementing our standing in the world as its most powerful nation. Wanna hear my rap about it? (The press corps quickly moves away.)
The newly elected president added, “I invite all of you to my inauguration in January where we will begin a new period in history, entitled, “Make America Groove Again.” (Music blares as all begin to dance.)
That is all from Campaign Headquarters. There’s a new beat going on! God bless the United States of America!”
Nice voting with you.
Editor’s Note: Mr. Millspaugh lives in a log cabin (just like Abraham Lincoln) on a major thoroughfare with his cat, Myles, and is loving it.