BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH
I watched an old movie last night with Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise, titled, “The End.” It’s a story about facing death and trying to make a deal with the Higher Power to live on. In the story, Reynolds faces death by prying, wheedling and bargaining with his Lord to prevent his demise and he’ll become a changed man.
“Just let me live and I’ll give up smoking, drinking and fooling around with the ladies, I swear!”
As he begins to feel better after each near-death experience, he begins to waffle on his promises:
“Okay, I’ll smoke just 10 cigarettes a day, drink just three cocktails, and mildly flirt with the blonde at Western Union.”
As he becomes entirely well again, he changes his tune completely:
“Thank you, Lord. I’ll start with what I promised right after Christmas so I can celebrate the birth of Jesus in your name. Hey, does anybody have a cigarette?”
These near-death scenarios occur throughout his life and he repeats his actions and vows again and again. Finally, it all catches up with him and he dies a broken man.
I’d like to approach this premise a different way by debating with my Higher Power regarding the upcoming election:
“Okay, okay, okay. If you could see your way to have Trump exposed in the presidential race, I’ll do the following: I’ll give up HBO and Showtime and on-demand movies. Now, if you could see your way to influence victories in the swing states like Florida, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Michigan and Ohio, I’ll give up the entire Internet, eat only fruits and vegetables for the rest of my life, and never eat candy or drink carbonated beverages again.”
Now, I am ready to ask the big favor.
“Lord, if it’s within your power to create a landslide victory for Biden and the Democratic Party in the election and take over the Senate and the House in an amazing rout, I will nullify my ability to laugh, watch only “Idaho Reports,” the Channel 11 10 o’clock news from Twin Falls, and only stern dramas and documentaries.”
“All this just to get rid of the “Orange Oz” forever. I swear that’s what I will do!
As election day nears, I implore you to make a deal with your personal savior, make the red states blue and bid Trump adieu.
I made my vow. How about you?
Nice talking with you.
Editor’s Note: Mr. Millspaugh lives in a log cabin on a major thoroughfare with his cat, Myles, a registered Democat (sp.) that eats only seeds and tufts of grass.