BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH
I’m sitting on my bed cutting up old clothes because there’s no toilet paper for sale in Blatant County. What do you want me to do—hose off outside? It’s too cold! I’ve searched everywhere and all the stores are out of stock. I’ve gone to public restrooms in the area and pilfered paper towels but they’re, literally, too rough. I’ve gone through old copies of The New Yorker and found them much too slick. Actually, the best substitutes are our own local newspapers—just the right texture. But, never mind that, apparently it IS the End of Days! It’s a Godpandemic!
Okay, look on the bright side, which is my wont. How important is the mortgage payment or the rent? There will be no more paid bills emanating from my home. I’m even contemplating not paying my post office box fee due at the end of the month. Hey, you know what? It won’t be difficult to run out of things because it’s the END of DAYS! Hey, you’re low on Coffee-mate! So what? It’s the END of DAYS! Just get me toilet paper!
I’ll just watch TV until… (you know). Let’s see, what’s on tonight? “The Day After” is on ABC, “Marooned” is on NBC and “I’ll Cry Tomorrow” is on the movie channel. Then, there’s “Lost” on A&E, “Survivors” on CBS and reruns of “You Bet Your Life” on the Comedy Channel. Maybe I’ll just read the Bible and do some prep work.
There’s nothing to do here in the End of Days. Major League Baseball spring training games have been cancelled and the start of the season delayed. The National Basketball Association is cancelling their season altogether. As a point of fact, all sports leagues are on hold. Anybody worried about where Tom Brady will sign next? He’ll be right here with us in the End of Days. There will be no concerts, political rallies or gatherings over 250 people. There’s no future in history, and today, there is no tomorrow.
But, I’ve been wrong before. Last week I couldn’t even find my own column in this newspaper. Sad, isn’t it?
So, Trump will be our last president. That’s all he ever wanted, anyway. Number 45 – 2016 until the End of Days! He did mention that there’d be hell to pay if he wasn’t. (How strict!)
So, for all of you list-makers out there, give it a rest. If you write a horoscope, don’t bother. If you make predictions. quit now while you’re ahead. If you’re fond of watching “Coming Attractions” at the old moviehouse, when they come on, go buy some popcorn. (And ask for extra napkins!)
Some say that I am an alarmist. Yeah, well, I don’t think so. By the way, this is probably my last column.
Nice talking to you.