BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH
Good morning, inmates! Hello 911? I can’t stop eating! Hey, wake me up when 2020 is over! You said it would all be back to normal in June! Julyed! Now it’s August. I’m dyin’ over here!
We’ve got to figure out how we’re going to manage this COVID-19 disease and this frickin’ year. Apparently, 2020 was written by Stephen King. It’s hard to stay inside every day. The way to do it, however, is give yourself a haircut and shave your eyebrows.
Note to parents: Having your child make you a cocktail doesn’t count as a home-school chemistry lesson.
Hey, I got an idea! Remember Roller Derby? Two six-men or -women teams skate around this circular rink and try to score points by one member passing members of the opposing team. There’s a lot of infighting and brutal blocking going on as opponents try to keep the other team skater from passing the “pack.” Once the skater passes one or two, or all, they put their hands on their hips to signify that they’re “calling off the jam,” and they’re awarded points for each skater they have passed and regroup for the next “jam.”
Thus, I believe it’s time for all of us to put our hands on our hips and “call off the jam” in our lives. Our “jam” nowadays is mind-blowing, as it concerns our health. In this murderous pandemic, we are asked to stay inside, not work, avoid our “homies,” keep our kids away from school, not see any movies, stay out of bars, theatres, gyms and any other place that has more than 10 people, and then, stay 6 feet apart! The coronavirus affects everyone and riddles us with guilt because we can’t pay our bills, keep our families safe and try to function in the world, day after day after day. It’s too much. We have to “call off the jam!”
I propose that the country take a break, take the year off, say it didn’t count and just hibernate at home, and if we do go out, practice safe distancing, wear your mask and wash your hands with Boraxo. Stop the worrying and let go of the guilt until this “thing” is over. In the end, it’s your home that makes you safe. Remember that when you’re about to fall apart. Tacos fall apart and we still love them. You’re not stuck at home, you’re safe.
Mail in your ballot and vote November 3rd and maybe we can get it right this time.
Think young and enjoy your life. I’ve been young for a really long time and I feel great… I’m not antisocial, I’m just “pro-me.” Call off the jam!
Nice talking to you.