BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH
I looked at my picture in the paper last week and thought, “Who in the hell is that? That can’t be me! That’s an older man! What happened?
“Seventy-eight years of a little bit of too much fun—that’s what happened, Bozo. Now what’ll I do? How will I stay alive? Get older, I imagine. But at what cost?”
Well, for a mere $40 a month you can sign up for the Life Alert program offered through Idaho Power. So, to allay the fears of friends and family, I purchased this program, which alerts emergency contacts if I need help. I wear this device around my neck and hit the beep button if I’m in peril. You know the TV commercial of the older lady who is on the floor, yelling, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” That one.
The following, I imagine, are a few alert calls that have been received in the past:
“Hey, Life Alert! Tell those juvenile delinquents in my neighborhood that I’m alive, I’m alert and I am heavily armed!”
Or, from one client who has taken three pain pills and a Viagra tab, “Help, I have risen and I can’t get down!”
Then there’s “Hey, my Life Alert necklace has become tangled up and it’s choking the life out of me!”
“Hey, at $40 a pop per month, I better be alive!”
“Hey, never mind! I was on the floor playing with my cat and I rolled over on top of my Life Alert button and can’t get off. It won’t stop beeping!”
“Help! I’ve just fallen off the roof! I landed on my feet. I’m OK except that I used to be 6-feet, 1-inch tall and now I’m 5-foot-2. I’m alive but I’m very short!”
“Wow, I just saw the most gorgeous woman in the world at the grocery. I’m alive and, apparently, quite alert!”
The family is so worried about me taking care of myself. I got a cat and named her Myles, and she looks out for me in more ways than one. When people caution me, “Look, you’ve got to move around, take long walks and do cardiovascular exercise,” I tell them, “I walk miles (Myles) every day. Leave me alone!”
I have long, full conversations with Myles and she not only understands me, but often interjects cogent displays of wisdom, which baffle me. I hate to be baffled, but there you are.
I’ve also discovered other items of the aging process, which are particular to my way of life. I watch a lot of Netflix crime dramas late into the night, not caring what the time is. It’s not the violence that bothers me, it’s the not-caring part that tends to worry me later on.
In addition, I have also discovered, by means of heavy, thorough research, that the most common color of Blaine County vehicles is not one—it’s white. During drive times during the workweek, I’ve recorded four out of 10 vehicles to be white. During the weekends, it drops to two out of 10. I have a lot of free time and could well be called a maven on this observation. I sometimes wonder if I really have a life worth alerting.
Oh, hold on a second! I have to call Life Alert to tell them I will be driving to Hailey at two this afternoon and to alert the area.
I don’t really have a life of worries. Even that stupid coronavirus doesn’t concern me, as I have had a cold for the last four years and that’s without me touching my entire face.
Speaking of that, I sometimes wonder if I am out of touch but, then, I see that Bernie, Biden and Trump are all in their seventies and that worries me a lot. They’re all older men, as well.
Nice talking to you.