August 1, 1934- September 22, 2021
BY SHAWNA WASKO, MOLP
President Ronald Reagan quoted John Gillespie Magee’s poem High Flight after the space shuttle Challenger exploded Jan. 28, 1986, when he said to the grieving nation, “They slipped the surly bonds of Earth …. and touched the face of God.” Although we sobbed when those words were spoken, those words at the same time gave us such amazing comfort.
I received a call from the Jerome Hospice Home’s nurse on Sept. 21 and was told they believed Mom would die soon. I left my office and went directly to the Hospice Home. I called my brothers, my sister and my dad and told them what was happening; none of them felt they had the strength to witness her death. I was, however, surrounded by an incredible, loving staff of people all day and into the night. The wonderful and caring Hospice chaplain, John Martinez, dropped by and spent time praying with me and comforting me. At 3:45 a.m. on Sept. 22, 2021, my strong, beautiful, loving mom touched the face of God.
While sitting with me earlier that day, the chaplain said, “You are very brave, Shawna, but right now you just need to be a daughter.” I looked at him and said, “I lost my mom a long time ago to Alzheimer’s disease.”
I have experienced anticipatory grief for years. Anticipatory grief is grief that occurs before the death and includes many losses, like watching a loved one who must give up driving, cooking or walking outside alone. Watching them lose their memories and their mental ability. And, worst of all, losing the relationship you have with your mom. Watching a loved one succumb to Alzheimer’s disease is horrible; you lose them way before they die.
As the facilitator of the CSI Office on Aging Caregiver Support Group, I have watched people living in anticipatory grief for many years. In many ways it is a relief when the loved one goes; the loved one is no longer in pain or fear or anxiety. But once the death happens, and you stop waiting for the next call, the next time an ambulance is called, the next call from the nursing home, and you lose that awful feeling of waiting for the next shoe to drop, you succumb to utter and complete exhaustion. The adrenaline you have lived on for years suddenly stops. And yes, the tears do flow.
The CSI Office on Aging is and was a valuable resource. They provided home-delivered meals to my mom and dad through the senior center and qualified my parents for Homemaker Services. Ombudsman helped me find a facility for my mom. The entire staff has been a godsend to me over the last several years.
I also want to thank the readers of these newsletters. Many of you have called or emailed me about the articles I have written. You have shared wise words and thanked me for sharing me and my parents’ journey. We have grieved together.
Dad is still home and his wonderful friend JL had him up at Magic for several days, where they shared lies and shared grief. JL was widowed years ago when his wife Helen died. He is a great friend to our family.
Sincerely,
ShawnaWasko,MOLP
CSI Office on Aging
swasko@csi.edu