BY SHAWNA WASKO, M.OLP
So many of us who put a loved one in an assisted living or memory care unit feel guilty. My mom is in memory care and thinks that once she gets better, she can go home. Now, she just wants to go home. One of the workers called me the other night and said my mother was very upset and could I please talk with her.
My mom took the phone and yelled, “Shawna, do you know what motel I am in?” I told her she was in memory care and she said, “Do you know where?” I said yes, that I did, and she started screaming, “You come get me now!” When I told her she had to stay because she was not well enough to go home, she screamed, “Thanks for nothing!” and threw the phone on the floor.
I started Googling caregiver sites and put in the search line: how do you survive the guilt of putting a parent in memory care? It didn’t surprise me that there are lots of sites talking about this issue. One in particular caught my attention. A lady had posted that moving her mom into memory care was “killing” her; she felt so guilty. I can relate; my stomach hurts, I am quick to get angry, I can’t sleep, and TUMS assorted fruit-flavored antacid is now my main source of food.
A lady on the site responded to the lady who posted about how to survive the guilt of putting a parent in memory care. She asked the lady, “Is your mother supposed to be happy in care? Are you supposed to be happy she’s in care?” The answer, of course, is no. The lady went on to say, “Safe trumps happy.”
We should grieve when something like this happens; and Mom and Dad and I are grieving this loss differently because each of us has lost something so valuable to us. Mom grieves her freedom and for the loss of her mind she knows is failing; Dad mourns the loss of his relationship and companionship with Mom; and I mourn for my Mom and Dad and what they and I are going through and, most of all, how my relationship with them has changed.
But in this situation, and possibly a situation you are in, too, safe does trump happy. Safe trumps guilty, too. Mom has not had to go to the hospital, fallen, had anxiety so bad she becomes hysterical, or missed her medications since she has been in memory care. Mom really likes her caregivers at memory care. But Mom just wants to go home. Mom was miserable at home because Dad could not help her; he is so weak with COPD. She would scream hysterically if he could not help her get to the toilet or get out of bed. At least in memory care Mom is safe. She is also content with the workers and the other residents.
I have facilitated widowed support groups for nearly 40 years; witnessing loss, and the grief it causes. I feel that to truly grieve a loss, we must mourn. Grief is the thoughts we have inside us about the loss; mourning is “outside grief”— meaning crying, throwing a phone, yelling, or writing monthly articles about my parents. Grief, too, must be witnessed. If we can’t mourn, we will not survive the loss. Our grief and especially our mourning must be witnessed. Thanks for witnessing my grief.
Sincerely,
Shawna Wasko, M.OLP
Group Facilitator: Widowed Wellness Program of Idaho
CSI Office on Aging • swasko@csi.edu