By Tristan Head
Now that the Texans have driven the Californicators to the Wood River Valley in droves, similar to the settlement era of Idaho and Montana with cattle, I figure it’s time to clarify the rules of the road.
In these parts, we prefer to stick to the left lane at exactly one mile per hour slower than the right lane. This ensures no one gets anywhere fast. Speaking of fast, I’ve lived here so long I remember when the speed limit of downtown Hailey was 25 mph. Thankfully, it increased to ensure people can get to work quicker—the reason we all moved here anyway.
Keep ’em Alive on 75 is more like Smear ’em on 75. Damn the local wildlife that relies on wintering grounds. The founding of this area relied on mining, but today’s prospect is buildin’.
Ketchum may have changed its slogan to, “Give a smile and a wave,” but when I encounter you on a dirt road, I genuinely prefer “a honk and a middle finger.” Which would be more welcoming to the locals who live here a sixth of the year anyway. It isn’t like any of us would stop to help the local Valley resident, regardless of the median age being 73, with a flat tire. Then again, it isn’t as though a walker gets flats.
The uncontrolled intersections give preferences to the individual driving the more expensive car. Wait. It’s two Land Rovers with snorkels clean as the day they were purchased last week. Pay attention to rims—they could give the driver the confidence to drive through without glancing in any direction other than forward. So please keep your meager vehicle to a controlled speed to allow the entitled driver leeway to turn left without directional.
Parking is also a clutch here. The Ketchum Elite became so popular that a local high schooler even expanded the program to ensure high schoolers received the attention they deserve. Due to our oversized “compensation” Raptors, negating the white lines intentionally allows for fewer people to door ding your vehicle, especially when you’ve taken the handicapped parking. Do they really need that anyway? I mean, the Valley got away with curbs that didn’t allow handicapped access, so why should Natural Grocers?
In all seriousness, this Valley has grown tremendously in recent years but it is possible to maintain a small-town vibe as long as people keep it in mind. Like many, I am an East Coast implant who sought solitude away from East Coast mentality.
Appreciate what we have here because the landscape and persona are unique, yet they can change rapidly if we do not place value on the makeup of our town. While driving, follow Ketchum’s advice and give a smile and a wave because you never know when you could rely on that person to help you change a flat or get a jump while you’re stranded on a remote dirt road.
This community emits a strong connection, because people take care of one another. Just like the group founded during COVID: Neighbors Helping Neighbors.