Aries: You may find this hard to believe right now, but the stars are saying this next year of your life will be a lucky one with lots of great moments. Basically, if your life was a pizza, it would have lots of slices you like and a couple slices of stuff you don’t really like but you know are good for you. So please remember to enjoy every slice life serves you, even the ones that you’ll need to wash down with beer.
Taurus: As others have noted, it sort of seems like life is being directed by a bunch of fifth-graders: There’s this big virus that everyone is getting. Toilet paper is the most valuable resource. There’s no school for like a month and Tom Brady doesn’t play for the Patriots anymore. That’s why it’s important for you to remember that, if nothing else, life is supposed to be entertaining.
Gemini: During these trying times, it’s easy for us to grow irritable or stressed or sick of the couch—well, maybe not that last part. Nonetheless, it’s best to view this time as a gift to start that project you’ve always wanted to work on, or to organize something, or to take multiple naps a day. Because, before you know it, we’ll be back to normal and you’ll wish you made the most of this break.
Cancer: The reality is, we still need to laugh and to connect with others regularly to be happy. And while that may be harder to do while we’re all stuck inside most of the time, we should still try, for this too shall pass. It will pass easier if we can laugh at lines like this: Person with coronavirus seeks someone with Lyme disease for some post-healing frivolity.
Leo: Leos are at your finest during challenging times. Since this latest stay-at-home challenge involves plenty of chances to nap, you should really excel. One of your big roles is to keep people relaxed and amused. Perhaps you could lead a window sing-along like they’re doing in Copenhagen. Or maybe lead others on a workout while you’re on a rooftop, like a trainer in Spain. Or maybe you can just be the big spoon.
Virgo: While some signs were bummed about the need for folks to hunker down at home for a few weeks, Virgos were stoked. Stay home, do what you want, not have to deal with other people’s dramas or dumb ideas—it’s a dream come true. Since this is right up your alley, please share some of your good vibes with those less fortunate folks.
Libra: In case you missed out on the jolly green joys of St. Paddy’s Day, please be sure to take some time to think about the old Irish hero. St. Patrick spent six years enslaved before he became Ireland’s patron saint. So don’t think a few weeks of quarantine is going to stop you? That’s why you need to make this your new mantra: “I eat when I’m hungry. I drink when I’m dry. If the coronavirus don’t kill me, I’ll live til I die.”
Scorpio: Here are your daily rules for the self-quarantine: 1) Find something to be grateful for. 2) Check in with someone you care about. 3) Get outside. 4) Continue to shag yourself or a loved one regularly to keep your dopamine levels up.
Sagittarius: Avoiding people can be tough for some social signs like yours. To help, try keeping theses things in mind: A) This won’t last forever. B) You don’t actually like a couple of the people in your social group anyway. C) One of the big keys to happiness is avoiding interactions with a–holes.
Capricorn: Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. But right now you can’t go where everybody knows your name, outside of the living room. That’s why your assignment is to reach out to others and to quote Coach from “Cheers”: “You know, Sam, loneliness is a good thing to share with someone.”
Aquarius: Most people outside of Utah don’t actually think this is the Apocalypse. But they did have a rare earthquake in Salt Lake City and they don’t drink beer, so we need to cut them some slack. Try to cut yourself some slack, too. Maybe listening to something like John Lennon will help: “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
Pisces: There is a lot of confusion going on right now and we certainly don’t have all the answers. That’s why it’s good to remember that we first need to love the questions, especially ones like: Are quarantine rules like weekend rules and we can start drinking during breakfast? Why aren’t you as happy about this as your dog is? Can we now consider sweatpants work clothes?