Emotion Work of Caregiving

BY SHAWNA WASKO

I remember not too long ago my sister, brother and I made dinner for Mom and Dad. We brought the meal over to their house and stayed for hours there, visiting. Well, they visited, while I did physical work, but mostly I did emotion work. I didn’t know what to call it then but now I do: emotion work is putting on a smile, projecting a positive attitude, cueing the person (Mom) with Alzheimer’s disease to eat or drink; answering the same three questions over and over with kindness and calmness for hours (Why are you doing the laundry, Shawna? Shawna, did Aunt Sandy die? Shawna, why can’t you just sit down?). Emotion work involves managing both the feelings of others and one’s own feelings. So, caregivers regulate their emotional expression in accordance with the requirements of the situation.

The GERONTOLOGIST published an article by Rachel Herron, Ph.D., Laura Funk, Ph.D., and Dale Spencer, Ph.D., titled Responding the “Wrong Way”: The Emotion Work of Caring for a Family Member with Dementia in October 2019. The article explained that “surface acting refers to the display of an emotional expression that is not actually felt.” The article also “argued that it risks harming the degree to which we listen to feelings and sometimes our capacity to feel.”

Caregivers do this to produce satisfaction or enjoyment for the people we care for. But it exacts a huge toll on us. Our lives change in enormous ways—ways that will cause physical, financial, mental and emotional stress. The authors point out that “during surface acting, we must focus on the situation the care receiver is going through only.” Most caregivers do this for years and years without any reciprocity from the care receiver, or other family members. I wish so badly I could talk with Mom about my feelings, but Mom, as I have known her, is gone.

Emotion work also includes suppressing anger and hurt. The authors also noted that there are “potential long-term impacts of emotion work on caregivers’ ability to feel.” Often caregivers can’t express their feelings to family or society because they are afraid others will think they are complaining about the poor person living with the dementia (or whatever ailment is going on). Basically, others make us feel bad about our feelings, exhaustion, frustration, and anger at our life. So why would we share our feelings? Caregiver support groups, which I facilitate, are for feelings. They are for caregivers. It is about us, for once, without judgment.

After that dinner with my folks, my sister and brother wanted to visit with me outside. I felt like a balloon that had been popped. I told them I had “managed my feelings and Mom’s feelings for hours while they laughed and ate.” I told them “I have nothing left for you guys or for me. I am going home.”

Emotion work is exhausting. Nurses and CNAs and caregivers and social workers and other professions do it all the time. Emotion work people need to go home (or hide) and rest and recharge and take care of themselves after doing this emotion work for hours. We need a sounding board that will not judge us. We need others to recognize what we do and appreciate what we do. A foot rub would help, too.

Sincerely,

Shawna Wasko, M.OLP

Group Facilitator

CSI Office on Aging

208.736.2122

swasko@csi.edu