Our little towns suffer from suicides. More Americans die by suicide each year than are killed in automobile accidents. As we all know too well, it’s not just a big-city problem. Our towns have lost residents over the years of all ages to suicide, leaving a wake of sorrow because so many were dramatically affected in one way or another. Even one loss exposes contagious heartache because 147 other family and friends, on average, are affected. That gets out of hand in a hurry here. The sad national average is that one person kills themselves every 12 minutes and, unfortunately, Idaho is ranked ninth in our country for suicide. The survivors suffer mixed emotions of sadness, helplessness, guilt, anger, and fear. That complicated grief can and has consumed lives.
Although suicide is prevalent in society, a conspiracy of silence prevails that tends to stifle talk about it and the accompanying depression. Myths warn that talking about suicide will make it happen, or that if we ignore bad feelings, they will go away, so don’t make it worse. Research has found these two particular myths to be the worst culprits for perpetuating suicide. Bad feelings usually do not go away. They get worse because it hurts when no one will hear our pain. It is as if we do not matter. And if we do not matter, who cares if we die? Nothing could be further from the truth. Every life matters.
Amber Leyba-Castle, a 10th-grader at Wood River High School, encourages everyone to speak up about suicide. She is presenting a high school project, “Party for Life,” on this very subject. Suicide is so widespread that it’s the second leading cause of death in youths age 15-24 (accidents are first), and being 15 years old herself now, this is personal for Amber so she wants to increase awareness about warning signs and how to help.
The main realization is that it takes a lot of courage for someone to admit they’re feeling so badly they want to die and lots of courage to hear that from someone we care about. The focus isn’t on trying to change someone’s feelings because only they can do that. It’s about compassion, listening, and support. When we matter, that’s reason to live. A way to validate someone’s worth is to discuss the strengths they have rather than point out perceived weaknesses. Questions should focus on what worked before. Is anything going well somewhere in their lives? What resources does that person have? What gives that person meaning in life? Tell them why you need them and how they have improved your life. Listen intently to their painful feelings as well. Let them feel heard, not judged, so they feel appreciated.
Knowing this from the inside out, Amber’s grief was huge after her mother died just a few years ago. She felt alone, depressed, and without direction. Her sister helped her through the awful night when Amber had attempted suicide. Through that ordeal, Amber realized she was actually needed and had an important place in this world. Before that awareness, she had felt more lost, even unimportant.
Interestingly, there are optimal zones for negative feelings, below which is out of touch or undermotivated and above which is overwhelming. When a dear friend committed suicide in September of 2015, Amber’s grief was ignited once again. She knew enough that she needed to take overwhelming grief and mix it with positive insight to move forward. Over time, Amber’s personal motto became “Spread love because understanding is the cure.” With care from her sister, family, counselor, and friends, Amber not only survived, she thrives today. She is speaking out about depression and suicide because she does not want her mother and friend’s death to be an end. “There is a part two in life” that gives meaning again.
Amber knows how hard it is to admit when she was feeling so low. In this country, we feel shame for feeling ashamed; we feel embarrassed for being embarrassed. How often, when we realize we are blushing, does our face gets even redder? Discussions about depression, suicide and not believing we matter are tough topics and Amber is busting through myths and releasing the gag order from talking about suicide. This is an important topic to discuss because our loved ones who are suffering need to know we care. Research indicates that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and happier in the long run.
Amber’s “Party for Life” will be held this Sunday, August 14 from 3–6 p.m. on the lawn of The Inn at Ellsworth Estate, 702 S. 3rd Ave. in Hailey. With keen sensitivity for those who have struggled with depression, Amber’s event aims to increase awareness about suicide warning signs, prevention, and how to respond. The main awareness is that our notion about feelings is all wrong. Emotions are actually rational and provide clues that help us achieve personal goals. They identify trouble or opportunity and suggest methods of repair or gain but only when we pay attention to our feelings, for they are the true instruments of survival. Research has even discovered that negative emotions are crucial for thriving in life and, in particular, for feeling happy. When we feel depressed, it is a message on what needs adjusting in our life. It signifies action to fix something not working in our relationships, work, creativity, or health.
The catch is to cope with uncomfortable feelings rather than run from them or turn them against ourselves. When negative emotions are stuffed, we cannot fully improve ourselves or our lives. Depression has been shown to worsen until we figure out the important message behind our anger, guilt, or fear. We must learn to listen within as well as to the heart of others. Accepting difficult feelings, like sadness, ultimately lightens depression levels, too, which busts the myth wide open about making things worse if we talk about it. To be happy, we need to welcome and fully experience all feelings, not just pride, joy, and excitement. When we hide feelings away from daily awareness, a deeper depression sprouts.
Amber has outdone herself for this amazing personal project. Come hungry because there will be food while you listen to live music by Kiana Chapman. Buy raffle tickets and bid on incredible items such as a rafting trip from The River Company, paragliding off Baldy from Fly Sun Valley, a 15-day ski pass from Sun Valley Company, counseling sessions, a local scenic flight, along with a fun and unique live auction (you have to attend to find out what that is, but ladies, you will ENJOY it). Your $5 donation/entry gets you a meal. Auction proceeds will go to local resources that help others through depression and suicide.
Support this community event and open your eyes about suicide. With such high statistics on suicide, you may someday be the one to hear someone’s sorrow and will better understand how to remain supportive and compassionate. When we are brave enough to listen to another who just took an even bolder step to tell us their most vulnerable feelings, we honor them. Realizing that organization comes from chaos gives hope to those suffering. Gaining insight about the message of their feelings, they move beyond pain. It takes a village to support each loved one. The ultimate self-awareness about deep pain is that our troubles do not define us. Love does.
Christina Tindle LPC
Certified Clinical Trauma Professional
Supporter of Party for Life
208-315-3075
Christina.tindle.ma@gmail.com
