{"id":13901,"date":"2020-08-12T00:29:16","date_gmt":"2020-08-12T06:29:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/?p=13901"},"modified":"2020-08-12T00:29:16","modified_gmt":"2020-08-12T06:29:16","slug":"call-off-the-jam","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/2020\/08\/12\/call-off-the-jam\/","title":{"rendered":"Call Off The Jam"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"p1\"><em>BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH<\/em><\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_13252\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-13252\" style=\"width: 400px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13252\" src=\"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/chris-Millspaugh_edit-400x600.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"600\" \/><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-13252\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">chris Millspaugh<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p class=\"p2\">Good morning, inmates! Hello 911? I can\u2019t stop eating! Hey, wake me up when 2020 is over! You said it would all be back to normal in June! Julyed! Now it\u2019s August. I\u2019m dyin\u2019 over here!<\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\">We\u2019ve got to figure out how we\u2019re going to manage this COVID-19 disease and this frickin\u2019 year. Apparently, 2020 was written by Stephen King. It\u2019s hard to stay inside every day. The way to do it, however, is give yourself a haircut and shave your eyebrows.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\">Note to parents: Having your child make you a cocktail doesn\u2019t count as a home-school chemistry lesson.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\">Hey, I got an idea! Remember Roller Derby? Two six-men or -women teams skate around this circular rink and try to score points by one member passing members of the opposing team. There\u2019s a lot of infighting and brutal blocking going on as opponents try to keep the other team skater from passing the \u201cpack.\u201d Once the skater passes one or two, or all, they put their hands on their hips to signify that they\u2019re \u201ccalling off the jam,\u201d and they\u2019re awarded points for each skater they have passed and regroup for the next \u201cjam.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\">Thus, I believe it\u2019s time for all of us to put our hands on our hips and \u201ccall off the jam\u201d in our lives. Our \u201cjam\u201d nowadays is mind-blowing, as it concerns our health. In this murderous pandemic, we are asked to stay inside, not work, avoid our \u201chomies,\u201d keep our kids away from school, not see any movies, stay out of bars, theatres, gyms and any other place that has more than 10 people, and then, stay 6 feet apart! The coronavirus affects everyone and riddles us with guilt because we can\u2019t pay our bills, keep our families safe and try to function in the world, day after day after day. It\u2019s too much. We have to \u201ccall off the jam!\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\">I propose that the country take a break, take the year off, say it didn\u2019t count and just hibernate at home, and if we do go out, practice safe distancing, wear your mask and wash your hands with Boraxo. Stop the worrying and let go of the guilt until this \u201cthing\u201d is over. In the end, it\u2019s your home that makes you safe. Remember that when you\u2019re about to fall apart. Tacos fall apart and we still love them. You\u2019re not stuck at home, you\u2019re safe.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\">Mail in your ballot and vote November 3rd and maybe we can get it right this time.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\">Think young and enjoy your life. I\u2019ve been young for a really long time and I feel great&#8230; I\u2019m not antisocial, I\u2019m just \u201cpro-me.\u201d Call off the jam!<\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\">Nice talking to you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH Good morning, inmates! Hello 911? I can\u2019t stop eating! Hey, wake me up when 2020 is over! You said it would all be back to normal in June! Julyed! Now it\u2019s August. I\u2019m dyin\u2019 over here! We\u2019ve got to figure out how we\u2019re going to manage this COVID-19 disease and this frickin\u2019 [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"tdm_status":"","tdm_grid_status":"","_pvb_checkbox_block_on_post":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-13901","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-commentary"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13901","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13901"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13901\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13901"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13901"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13901"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}