{"id":13846,"date":"2020-07-29T00:15:20","date_gmt":"2020-07-29T06:15:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/?p=13846"},"modified":"2020-07-29T00:15:20","modified_gmt":"2020-07-29T06:15:20","slug":"play-ball","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/2020\/07\/29\/play-ball\/","title":{"rendered":"Play Ball!"},"content":{"rendered":"

BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"
chris Millspaugh2020 Major League Baseball has begun. This abbreviated season will have only 60 games, but it\u2019s back, baby, it\u2019s back! And, what do we expect from our heroes this time around? Well, I\u2019m here to tell ya!<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

To me, it looks like the New York Yankees will battle the Washington Nationals for the American League title with the Houston Astros vying with the Los Angeles Dodgers for the National League nod. I predict the N.Y. Yankees and the L.A. Dodgers will meet in the World Series, renewing their longtime rivalry in October. Everything else is up for grabs as the players continue to increase their career records. (Bob Uecker: \u201cIn 1965, my baseball card came out with no picture.\u201d)<\/p>\n

Because of the coronavirus pandemic, there won\u2019t be any spectators in the ballparks this year but you can have your picture taken, enlarged and glued onto a lifelike piece of cardboard and placed in one of the stadium seats. Price, again, will favor where your cutout image will be set. Crowd noises will be piped into the park\u2019s sound system featuring boos, hisses and strings of profanity-laced epitaphs right there on the sound track.<\/p>\n

Players must wear masks, wash their hands constantly and take a mandatory six-foot lead off base. This year, instead of the traditional opening pitch thrown by politicians and\/or celebrities, President Donald Trump will be tossed out of the upper deck in (far) left field. (I\u2019m just reporting the rules, Republican fans). Veep Pence will be noticed warming up in the bullpen after being set on fire by the opposing team\u2019s relief pitching antifa corps. (I swear to God I\u2019m not making this up!)<\/span><\/p>\n

If the starting pitcher for the home team is rattled by the heightened volume of the crowd noises emanating from the loudspeaker system, he\u2019ll be awarded four more pitches, and then booked into the local insane asylum free of charge for a month\u2019s stay (it\u2019s true!)<\/p>\n

Base runners caught stealing a base will be sent to \u201clockup\u201d in San Quentin. Batters called out after three strikes will be carted off to Leavenworth for the rest of the season (this is not \u201cFake News!\u201d).<\/p>\n

If a pitcher hits a batter, he will be immediately shot. If a fielder makes an error, his hands will be subsequently bronzed (literally). And, if a batter hits a home run, he will get to rendezvous with a porn star in November (what thrills await.)<\/p>\n

Finally, the team with the most players alive or not incarcerated at the end of the season will be allowed to vote by absentee ballot in the coming presidential election. (Hey, once again, I don\u2019t make the rules\u2014just report them.)<\/p>\n

Rainouts, hurricanes and tsunamis that cause the cancellation of a game will be made up in a twinight doubleheader on Labor Day. (I used to date a gal named Sue Nami in the Pacific or, specifically, the Atlantic, in 1985).<\/p>\n

Sure, the season might play a little rough this year (participants in bench-clearing brawls may be heavily armed after the seventh-inning stretch) but at least the national pastime with all its \u201crhubarbs,\u201d cheating and sexual assaults will be, at last, back (#MeToo movement notified). Thank you, Jesus! (that\u2019s Jesus Gonzalez, infielder in the Dominican Republic league). And remember, sports fans, \u201cBaseball Lives Matter!\u201d<\/p>\n

Nice talking to you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH To me, it looks like the New York Yankees will battle the Washington Nationals for the American League title with the Houston Astros vying with the Los Angeles Dodgers for the National League nod. I predict the N.Y. Yankees and the L.A. Dodgers will meet in the World Series, renewing their longtime […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"tdm_status":"","tdm_grid_status":"","_pvb_checkbox_block_on_post":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,11],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-13846","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-commentary","7":"category-humor"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13846","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13846"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13846\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13846"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13846"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13846"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}