{"id":13375,"date":"2020-03-18T00:51:34","date_gmt":"2020-03-18T06:51:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/?p=13375"},"modified":"2020-03-18T00:51:34","modified_gmt":"2020-03-18T06:51:34","slug":"end-of-days","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/2020\/03\/18\/end-of-days\/","title":{"rendered":"End Of Days"},"content":{"rendered":"

BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"
chris Millspaugh<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I\u2019m sitting on my bed cutting up old clothes because there\u2019s no toilet paper for sale in Blatant County. What do you want me to do\u2014hose off outside? It\u2019s too cold! I\u2019ve searched everywhere and all the stores are out of stock. I\u2019ve gone to public restrooms in the area and pilfered paper towels but\u00a0they\u2019re, literally, too rough. I\u2019ve gone through old copies of The New Yorker and found them much too slick. Actually, the best substitutes are our own local newspapers\u2014just the right texture. But, never mind that, apparently it IS the End of Days!\u00a0It\u2019s a Godpandemic!<\/p>\n

Okay, look on the bright side, which is my wont. How important is the mortgage payment or the rent? There will be no more paid bills emanating from my home. I\u2019m even contemplating not paying my post office box fee due at the end of the month. Hey, you know what? It won\u2019t be difficult to run out of things because it\u2019s the END of DAYS! Hey, you\u2019re low on Coffee-mate! So what? It\u2019s the END of DAYS! Just get me toilet paper!<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll just watch TV until… (you know). Let\u2019s see, what\u2019s on tonight? \u201cThe Day After\u201d is on ABC, \u201cMarooned\u201d is on NBC and \u201cI\u2019ll Cry Tomorrow\u201d is on the movie channel. Then, there\u2019s \u201cLost\u201d on A&E, \u201cSurvivors\u201d on CBS and reruns of \u201cYou Bet Your Life\u201d on the Comedy Channel. Maybe I\u2019ll just read the Bible and do some prep work.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s nothing to do here in the End of Days. Major League Baseball spring training games have been cancelled and the start of the season delayed. The National Basketball Association is cancelling their season altogether. As a point of fact, all sports leagues are on hold. Anybody worried about where Tom Brady will sign next? He\u2019ll be right here with us in the End of Days. There will be no concerts, political rallies or gatherings over 250 people. There\u2019s no future in history, and today, there is no tomorrow.<\/p>\n

But, I\u2019ve been wrong before. Last week I couldn\u2019t even find my own column in this newspaper. Sad, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

So, Trump will be our last president. That\u2019s all he ever wanted, anyway. Number 45 – 2016 until the End of Days! He did mention that there\u2019d be hell to pay if he wasn\u2019t. (How strict!)<\/p>\n

So, for all of you list-makers out there, give it a rest. If you write a horoscope, don\u2019t bother. If you make predictions. quit now while you\u2019re ahead. If you\u2019re fond of watching \u201cComing Attractions\u201d at the old moviehouse, when they come on, go buy\u00a0some popcorn. (And ask for extra napkins!)<\/p>\n

Some say that I am an alarmist. Yeah, well, I don\u2019t think so. By the way, this is probably my last column.<\/p>\n

Nice talking to you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

BY CHRIS MILLSPAUGH I\u2019m sitting on my bed cutting up old clothes because there\u2019s no toilet paper for sale in Blatant County. What do you want me to do\u2014hose off outside? It\u2019s too cold! I\u2019ve searched everywhere and all the stores are out of stock. I\u2019ve gone to public restrooms in the area and pilfered […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"tdm_status":"","tdm_grid_status":"","_pvb_checkbox_block_on_post":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13375","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-commentary"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13375","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13375"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13375\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13375"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13375"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/woodriverweekly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13375"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}